Dear Prof
I think it has become imperative that I should communicate with you via the written word as I have always been more cogent, less repetitive and perhaps able to convey my ideas more coherently. I think in some ineffective manner I have tried to convey the reasons I have for being in Faridabad, in the manner that I am. Definitely some part of it stems from some inner necessity which I am unable to articulate at this point. On the other hand, the fact that it keeps me away from the hub of city life is sometimes a boon sometimes a bane.
At this particular point, this month of July, with the benefit of hindsight all that I see is that this time of the year (OR perhaps the weather) tosses me into another kind of situation emotionally and spiritually. I would not like to admit the bipolar me becomes alive suddenly but that is how I am afraid it looks. But this year, god is merciful- I do not have the former levels of dysfunctionality. Being in a family where there could be some sharing of work made me completely dependent and hide behind my moods. Out here I do not have that luxury, and thanks to the fact that I have live beings with me, working for them makes me get up from my stupor, albeit way off my own desired time. Funnily enough everyday I do wake up at the time which I want to get up at , but then something inside me says, ‘go to sleep’ and I at least go back to bed, whether or not I am able to sleep…
I remember, and this becomes important today, that last but last year, I had a radio program around the same time and I was very, very ill. I could not even sing a straight note, what to mention an entire song…and since it was a program, I was obliged to go as per the contract. When I went and recorded there, the folks there were surprised that I should have come at all. I hid behind the fact that I had had a major car accident (which in fact I did have that year and it shook my nerves very seriously) The fact was that I was very ill inside me, the kind of illness most normal functioning people cannot understand, coz it is not a part of their perceived reality. Bi-polars look very normal and people like me look perfectly so! Unfortunately it seems to be the kind of shield behind which I can conveniently duck, whenever it suits me.
I am also in this whole journey of finding a few things about management and insights about this whole process of the so called bi-polar illness. Though functionality in my case is fairly high and I do like to meet people this time around, I think in time this would get even better, but I know that unlike the radio program that I went to sing for, I need not make a hash of myself at the IIC. At least one thing I know for sure is that my mental processes slow down somewhat at this time. I know the whole world is crying about the weather right now but the likes of me are particularly in anguish; for in addition to the outer discomfort, there is an inner unmeasureable discomfort. And that is all I can say- there are no words, no expressions.
I just urge the likes of you, my friends and family to understand where I am- the journey of the mind is a very colourful one and sometimes even the lack of color is a color by itself. So when I toss in a realm where there is not much color, I need to be either left alone or heard out- but not be misunderstood to “having lost it”. I will surface again- in the meanwhile this immediate event may have passed, but then life is longer than one event. And as we all grow and broaden our worldview…we need to understand that each and every person we meet is not like us, cannot by sheer willpower manage the mind, because what may appear as the lack of will-power to one may be the play of chemicals for another, beyond their control- simply life rocking them to a different tune.
With this preamble I need to bow out with grace from this seminar- though I am very keen to listen to the learned, scholarly artists and academics who would be presenting; and probably I would be there to hear them- for I too have waited for long for this gathering. I know in this loss though there maybe some visible immediate loss but letting go of this opportunity will not really hurt me as much as taking it now could. And hopefully next time when I do take an opportunity like this again, I would have learnt from the experience and learn to appreciate my own commitments as well as speak from the heart and not the head, as this experience would have amounted to.
Requesting you to pardon me, with deep-felt emotions I am
A very humbled
p
I think it has become imperative that I should communicate with you via the written word as I have always been more cogent, less repetitive and perhaps able to convey my ideas more coherently. I think in some ineffective manner I have tried to convey the reasons I have for being in Faridabad, in the manner that I am. Definitely some part of it stems from some inner necessity which I am unable to articulate at this point. On the other hand, the fact that it keeps me away from the hub of city life is sometimes a boon sometimes a bane.
At this particular point, this month of July, with the benefit of hindsight all that I see is that this time of the year (OR perhaps the weather) tosses me into another kind of situation emotionally and spiritually. I would not like to admit the bipolar me becomes alive suddenly but that is how I am afraid it looks. But this year, god is merciful- I do not have the former levels of dysfunctionality. Being in a family where there could be some sharing of work made me completely dependent and hide behind my moods. Out here I do not have that luxury, and thanks to the fact that I have live beings with me, working for them makes me get up from my stupor, albeit way off my own desired time. Funnily enough everyday I do wake up at the time which I want to get up at , but then something inside me says, ‘go to sleep’ and I at least go back to bed, whether or not I am able to sleep…
I remember, and this becomes important today, that last but last year, I had a radio program around the same time and I was very, very ill. I could not even sing a straight note, what to mention an entire song…and since it was a program, I was obliged to go as per the contract. When I went and recorded there, the folks there were surprised that I should have come at all. I hid behind the fact that I had had a major car accident (which in fact I did have that year and it shook my nerves very seriously) The fact was that I was very ill inside me, the kind of illness most normal functioning people cannot understand, coz it is not a part of their perceived reality. Bi-polars look very normal and people like me look perfectly so! Unfortunately it seems to be the kind of shield behind which I can conveniently duck, whenever it suits me.
I am also in this whole journey of finding a few things about management and insights about this whole process of the so called bi-polar illness. Though functionality in my case is fairly high and I do like to meet people this time around, I think in time this would get even better, but I know that unlike the radio program that I went to sing for, I need not make a hash of myself at the IIC. At least one thing I know for sure is that my mental processes slow down somewhat at this time. I know the whole world is crying about the weather right now but the likes of me are particularly in anguish; for in addition to the outer discomfort, there is an inner unmeasureable discomfort. And that is all I can say- there are no words, no expressions.
I just urge the likes of you, my friends and family to understand where I am- the journey of the mind is a very colourful one and sometimes even the lack of color is a color by itself. So when I toss in a realm where there is not much color, I need to be either left alone or heard out- but not be misunderstood to “having lost it”. I will surface again- in the meanwhile this immediate event may have passed, but then life is longer than one event. And as we all grow and broaden our worldview…we need to understand that each and every person we meet is not like us, cannot by sheer willpower manage the mind, because what may appear as the lack of will-power to one may be the play of chemicals for another, beyond their control- simply life rocking them to a different tune.
With this preamble I need to bow out with grace from this seminar- though I am very keen to listen to the learned, scholarly artists and academics who would be presenting; and probably I would be there to hear them- for I too have waited for long for this gathering. I know in this loss though there maybe some visible immediate loss but letting go of this opportunity will not really hurt me as much as taking it now could. And hopefully next time when I do take an opportunity like this again, I would have learnt from the experience and learn to appreciate my own commitments as well as speak from the heart and not the head, as this experience would have amounted to.
Requesting you to pardon me, with deep-felt emotions I am
A very humbled
p
